3rd\NW Quadrant: The Approval Matrix
HeroinLife was founded for two reasons: "One, I wanted to; and two, I had to."
"I've been lucky—fucking insane and 100% unreal, fantasical, unbelievable luck—to have made it out alive. I was 43 when I launched HeroinLife, and out of those 43 years about half of them have been dedicated to publishing magazines, working on newspapers, teaching at a journalism school (they didn't ask me back), and creating online magazines.
On my last run, I passed out on the main street of my tiny neighborhood, but opened my eyes just in time to see the cops slapping handcuffs on me as they were dragging me into the back of an ambulance. Eventually I got out of lockup, and of course I used—then found myself lying in an emergency room with all the usual IVs and tubes and chaotic sounds thrashing around me when it hit me: I'm done. Completely shocking the doctor and nurses and attendants, I ripped the IV out of my arm, I ditched the tubes around my nose and the sticky heart monitor shit glued to my chest—and left the ER, and the hospital.
I was clear, "There would be no seventh rehab, or umpteenth detox." Despite how sure I was, I was still a mess, but I hailed a NYC cab anyway and ached in the backseat during the usual harrowing ride, in this case, home.
Two weeks later, I was speaking, and moving, and no longer moaning and freezing from a wretched withdrawal. I couldn't count the number of times I had cheated with heroin while telling folks I was "sober," letting them think that drinking had been my problem. It was, but nothing like junk. I couldn't count the number of times I had drifted from the idea of recovery and then, like clockwork, began to use—and use hard. Over time, I got clean, with no cheats and no lies and no insane scrape-the-chalkboard desperate aches for H.
Then something else hit me: I really did live. And, it would be great to help others make it out like I did. So, since I am only good at certain things, I turned to what I am best at: making magazines. That's when I thought I'd create HeroinLife. A few months later we turned on the lights and kicked on the engine for this journey. For me HeroinLife is I help you, I help me; even though, the truth is, want to help you—more."